How many times have you heard someone say that? What did you think? Did you want them to stop being silly, did you think they were attention seeking? Did you tell them how much better off they are than other people?
Well…
I hate myself.
Maybe some of you will stop reading right about now. That’s cool. Those of you who have stuck this far, I can only apologise for what will be a very self-indulgent blog post.
I started CBT therapy yesterday. Cognitive Behavioural therapy. The theory is that, with practice, we can change our thought patterns – become less self-critical perhaps, or change how we read other people’s reactions to things – “they haven’t replied to my text/tweet/email they obviously hate me too”, for example.
I’m determined that this is going to work for me. It has to. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t hate myself, even as a child of 11 I felt inferior to all my classmates. And I have pushed so many lovely people away – friends, potential boyfriends – because I can’t accept that people like me.
Sure, there’s the superficial stuff – I’m fat, I’m ugly, I suck at getting dressed… that’s all the stuff that people roll their eyes at when you say it – you’re attention seeking, just saying that stuff so that someone says “don’t be daft, you’re gorgeous” – when the fact is, if someone says that to me, I just think “yeah, thanks, but you’re lying – I know you’re only saying that to make me feel better”. And then I feel ten times worse – “oh God, they’ve had to lie about how hideous I am to make me feel better – I must be REALLY hideous”.
My self-hatred goes deeper than what’s on the outside though. I hate that I’m not intelligent enough, or witty enough, that I don’t make groups of people laugh, that I’m not ‘brilliant’ at anything, I’m not successful enough, I suck at relationships… I could go on.
And yes, there are bloody millions of people out there that have it worse than me – I live in a nice flat, I’ve got a decent job, I have a lovely family and great friends. And you know what? The fact that I still feel shit about myself despite all that? That just makes me hate myself even more. I mean, how ungrateful am I? Whinging on because I’m a bit fat and I’m not a comedian?
So yeah, I’m starting this course of CBT and I am really going to work at it. This blog post is my attempt to get it all out there, once and for all. From now on I have to start challenging myself every time I get one of these destructive thoughts. That’s a lot of challenging. It’s gonna be hard but I’m bloody well going to do it. Because, frankly, I’m not sure I can live like this anymore.
No End of Grief 
Bintylicious
/ November 11, 2011You mirror a lot of what I feel about myself, and I always find it hard to believe it when people tell me I’m clever, attractive etc. Let’s make a pact, let us both try to look at the positives that people tell us about ourselves and carry those forward with us. Good luck with the therapy, I hope it works for you, you deserve it. Love Mazza. Xxx
Chris
/ November 11, 2011Good for you! I wish you every success. Not sure it helps at all but I genuinely enjoyed talking to you at the London tweetup. Hope this works for you.
Joanna Paterson
/ November 11, 2011Hope the CBT helps Polly. Hope it includes permission to be kind to yourself as well as the challenging and working bits.
Although I might think lots of positive things about you even just from a distance I realise you might not believe them so I will just say thank you for your searing honesty and trust you will know that is true.
Take care Polly x
Jan Scott Nelson
/ November 12, 2011My brave and extraordinary daughter, I’m so proud of you for what you’re doing, for what you’ve done; for you who’ll be, and who you are. x x x