“Just cheer up and snap out of it”

This was actually said to me the other day. By a trusted, close friend.

I have had depression for as long as I can remember – certainly since about 16, maybe even longer than that. I got diagnosed’ in 2007, when I was 26.

This blog post is kind of an introduction to me and my depression I guess. I’ll probably do other posts on some of the things I touch on here. This is just a start… I’m hoping it might help. It’s completely self-absorbed and very much all about me. I’m not expecting many readers!

I had always had periods of my life when everything just felt too much, too difficult. I’ve always had low self-esteem – never thought myself pretty, thin, funny or clever enough. I managed to muddle through life though – I was always better when doing exercise, or happy in my job.

In 2007, I left my boyfriend. We’d been living together for 18 months and it was the first time ever I’d lived alone. I soon plunged in to a deep depression. It’s hard to describe what it felt like without using clichés… but I did feel like I was drowning, like every single day was too much of an effort to get through. I would burst in to tears at the slightest thing – often at work. Going to Tesco was a complete nightmare – I’d often find myself in the aisles wondering what the fuck I’d gone in there for, getting in to a complete panic because I couldn’t remember and thought everyone was staring at me. Often I’d leave with just a bottle of wine and microwave popcorn.

The next few years were a mixture of ups and downs – like any normal person I guess. But my downs were really down. One night, having drunk heavily with a friend, I got in such a state that I took 10 of my anti-depressants. I don’t think I even wanted to kill myself while I was doing it. I just didn’t want to feel the pain anymore. I saw sense and called myself an ambulance. The paramedics were amazing. Calmed me down and even got a smile out of me on the ride to hospital. They also told me that if I hadn’t called them and had just gone to sleep I would probably have never woken up.

I tend to react to any major bouts of depression by wanting to change my whole life – new jobs and new places to live are the usual things I do. As though new surroundings will suddenly cure me. I’ll suddenly become successful and funny and happy and thin if I just have that pretty new house and that new job. Pathetic, hey?

At the moment, I’m probably going through the worst bout of depression I’ve ever had. I have been off work for seven weeks so far, though I’m hoping to go back next week. I hate being off work. I feel useless and a complete failure. I only started the job in May, having been unemployed for 9 months, and before that losing two jobs in 3 months. More on that another time, if I ever feel brave enough.

I want to get better. I don’t want every day to be a struggle anymore; I want to bounce out of bed excited about work, about life… at the moment that seems so far from reality I can’t ever imagine it happening again.

Over the past few weeks I’ve started turning to Twitter more and more. People seem to ‘get it’ on there and I’ve made some great new friends who I think have pretty much saved my life at times. I wish I could explain how much it means to have people on my side and being nice to me. I have an amazing family (my little sister has taken me in at the moment, on top of having a 4-yr-old to look after – I think I might be proving harder work!) and some wonderful friends, but they’re scattered far and wide. Plus, they’ve heard me go on about this stuff for years and I’m fed up of worrying them and causing them pain and hurt too. My friends struggle to understand it, but I know that they don’t really. They just want me to ‘cheer up and snap out of it’.



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  1. Judy @judwa

     /  September 26, 2011

    Such a tough thing to live with for so long. As a fellow sufferer (not so much now) I totally understand how you feel. I’m here if you need a chat.

    Hugs, Jude x

  2. tiggermouse

     /  September 26, 2011

    When I met you the other week in London, I instantly thought you were lovely x

  3. Love you Polly. I hope you know I understand. Here for you always. xxx

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